June 13th, 1874
Joshua. I have a son, and his name is Joshua. To hold this small miracle in my arms is the greatest joy I have ever known. For the first time in a long long time, I am truly happy.
Yet it is daunting. I am responsible for someones life now. It is up to me to protect him. To shape him. To teach him right from wrong. To love him. I pray that I am up to the task. I have faith that with God's help, I will be. And I pray that Johnny will be up to it as well. I worry about him. He is having a hard time here in Red Creek. We have been here 5 months now and he has yet to find regular work. He is trying. Seems he has had a string of bad luck. But I know that things will change. Now that this little blessing is here, nothing can discourage me.
Miss Davens has been real helpful since Joshua has come. Her and Sally have been by here almost every day to check in on us. I am hoping to be able to return to helping Miss Davens once school starts back up. I really enjoy working there. To help with the children is a joy. And dear sweet Sally has been wonderful. I am truly blessed to have her as a friend. Her husband John works so hard at the Livery and Sally does such a good job raising their 3 boys. They are an inspiration.
Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts I worry that I am kidding myself. I am not sure I deserve this life. The devil seems to whisper to me at night. He tells me that I am living a lie. This is not my life. Who do I think I am pretending to be? He tells me that I am stained with the things I have done and they will return to drag me back one day. But I know he is the King of Deceit. The past is just that, the past. I need to learn to ignore the whispers. And the ghosts of things best forgotten.
Looking into little Joshua's eyes I am torn. I see the promise of the future. The hopes and dreams of what he will see and do in his life. And yet, sometimes a look crosses his young face, and I see his father.
And that ghost is very persistant.
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